Friday, July 13, 2012

Waiting.....

The last two months have been hard for me and I have been in a little bit of a private funk. I am so grateful for a good husband who puts up with me and takes such good care of me. He is my rock and I am so thankful for his love and support.

Jeremy and I have been trying to have another baby for over a year now with no luck. After multiple tests and doctors visits it was determined that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  One thing you never want to hear your OBGYN say is, "Man...your ovaries are hard and really big!" Basically what this means is that my ovaries are covered in lots of little cysts and as a result I am not ovulating. We have done 5 rounds of clomid (holy hot flashes batman!!) all with no success thus far. My doctor is trying one other treatment this month and if that does not work she is going to send us to a reproductive specialist. Going through this process has been humbling and hard. I have, however learned a few things along the way for which I am very grateful!

First of all I am so thankful to the Lord for my job. Working at LDS Family Services with birth mother's and adoptive couples has provided me with such an education on infertility and the beauty of adoption. I know that getting this job and being able to see the world of infertility at a deeper level has given me hope and faith that our family will be able to grow in the way and in the time frame of the Lord. Without this understanding I know our struggles to get pregnant would have been even more scary and difficult for me to deal with. I am so inspired daily by the women I come into contact with. Going through this has made me better able to understand where the couples I work with are coming from and have greater empathy for them. I feel bad sometimes feeling sorry for myself because there are so many other women out there who have waited much longer that I have without any success. I find it hard sometimes to talk about what is going on with us because there are so many without any children and my heart aches for them. I know that having Britton was truly a miracle and I am so thankful to the Lord for that little man. He fills my heart with a joy that I cannot fully explain.

Secondly I have learned a little bit more about waiting on the Lord. I swear sometimes the Lord continually tries to teach me patience because He knows I have none. I keep holding out hope that one day He will just say..."ok...no more trying to teach Stephanie patience....she's not going to get it!".  Unfortunately I don't believe that is going to happen. Through this process there were times when I would get discouraged and become complacent with the things that I knew I needed to do. I lacked the motivation to keep doing the little things that bring me peace like daily prayer and scripture study. I found that the more complacent I became the more in a funk I got. Thankfully the Lord woke me up and gave me a calling at church that requires a little more effort. How grateful I am to Him for that. Being with the Young Women has been so so good for me. I have seen and felt the love that the Lord has for them and it reminds me of the love He has for me. This calling has helped me focus more on the things that I need to do so that I can be worthy to help these girls. It has helped bring me back to focusing on the things that bring me peace and happiness.

Lastly, going through this trial has increased my faith. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God lives. He knows me and He knows the thoughts and intents of my heart. Though I am far from perfect and despite my weaknesses I know that He loves me. I know that in His way and in His time, Jeremy and I will be able to have more children in our home. Until then I know that as I strive to come closer to Him, He will calm my fears and give me peace. I am so thankful for the knowledge of the restored gospel. I am so thankful for my Savior, who suffered all things so that He could better understand my feelings and my pain. My favorite scripture is Doctrine and Covenants 6: 36-37 which reads, "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not. Behold the wounds which pierced my side and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful, keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. Amen"  I am thankful for the scriptures and the peace I feel when I read them. It is my hope that through this trial I can learn, grow, and become stronger because of it. I appreciate the love and support of my family and friends. I am truly one of the luckiest women in the world!